Allez les rouges!

I had a pretty neato weekend in all fairness. You've probably seen me bragging about it on the Facebook and thought, 'cuntasaurus-rex alert', that's what I tend to think when people are having fun whilst I'm sat alone in the dark surrounded by Coke cans and crusty Kleenex.




never heard of it.

Friday I was all over the shop. Felt good telling people how bad their English was...and got paid to do so. Went Troyes for a bit, then ended up in Chalons with Big Mike and Dave. Mike was well cool and tried transferring 300GB of shit to his laptop from Dave's hard drive...pretty much fried his Dellboy.

Reims on Saturday. Went to the footy, Reims beat Angers 3-0, pretty cool.

Went on the beers, got the standard rejection notice from this bar cus we're Brits, walked off effing and blinding...all of a sudden the Reims football players leave the bar, we have a chinwag in the street and cus there's bare bitches with us they take us on to this other club.




mush in the middle is number 9, cedric faure.


We get to the club, rub a dub dub. Getting dodgy vibes from the Reims boys, that awkward moment when you're not used to VIP, not sure where to sit, which is my pimp slapping hand etc.
Stood at the bar to avoid it but faure, the legend, taps me on the shoulder 'nous sommes la-bas' (translate it yourself) and i rock up in VIP. Spent the next few hours mingling, meeting players, photos, bitches and whatnot. Personally I sold my soul to the devil by actively pimping out the girls just so I could hang out with the ballers and drink free champagne. Reminds me of the old Nazi dating exchange:

'Retired Army officer of 45 with GSOH seeks young maiden of 18-25 to pro-create with. Must have aryan features and child-bearing hips. Kinder, Küche, Kirche is a must.' 








Now, where was I.




Me and Kamel Ghilas...9 goals this season and on loan from Hull City. He likes Jimmy Bullard.

Oh yeah, had a lot of fun and I didn't get molested so it was ok. I feel like more and more of a cunt every time I write this shit.


Standard Sunday of chocolate milk, trains and having to deal with French people.

Xantu's Palace

It's been a fun few days in my world. Or has it, I dunno but either way it was pretty rad. Went to Reims last weekend, had a few beers, couldn't sleep one night cus I thought it would be a good idea to OD on coffee at 4am. Funnily enough the other lads in my room paid for extra rooms cus they were out with the Pussay Patrol that night...shame paying 50euro each didn't result in getting one's willy wet. Swear down Amsterdam is cheaper and more efficient.



Then I went to Troyes, saw Lenny Henry score on his return for Arsenal. Hairy muff, that's why fairytales were written. Tuesday started out shite as I had to go for meetings and spend the day speaking French about how my job is going, and improvements I can make to it. Spent most of my time eyeing up the potential and taking the mick out of foreign people, bloody Spaniards came so we had to speak French...poxy San Miguel chugging cunts.

***I'M SUCH A FUCKHEAD FOR FORGETTING*** Ginny had us introduce ourselves and I was first up. 'Bonjour, je m'appelle William, et je suis alcoolique'. That was me sorted for the day. Beats the teacher who during her turn started airing her grievances towards Ginny (sporting a new haircut) all the while our buddy Alex has his name mentioned every other sentence as his responsable starts chatting shit about the hard life of an assistant, personally I zoned out and started thinking what a lovely pair of tits the girl sat near me was sporting. Loving life 2k12.



Went for lunch at Xantu's Palace, and had a lovely portion of scrambled eggs spiced up Indian style by Head Chef Xantu...the restaurant is also situated at a hostel with a drug den, brothel and ping pong facilities on-site.

Shantanu 'Xantu' Pendharkar and me at Hemmy's in Reims.

After a boring afternoon of shit French talk, and me and Copenhagen talking about the different ways we'd kill the annoying French teachers (my favourite was the standard 'hey does this smell like chloroform to you?' then you go for a cheeky 2am trip to the Ardennes forest) they finally let us go.



We returned to Xantu's Palace for Ping Pong, Amsterdam Navigators and Live Lounge from one of Copenhagen's kiddies. One of the kiddies that lives with Xantu was at mackem uni up in Sunderland last year and he was a laugh saying 'down it fresher' and talking about crazy pub crawls in his French accent. Le lol. Poor fucker got battered by a Geordie for wearing a Newcastle Utd top his mates bought him as a joke on his bday, fair play for saying he was a mackem though lol.


We had this new girl join the gang, Laura, of Paddy-Yank origin. Well I'm pretty sure she just tagged along but hey ho. She's a little thing but hairy muff she was chugging back the Amsterdam Maxinator's without taking a trip to Chundertown.

And that was about it really.