Blighty and a shit attempt at philosophy.

I've been a bit quiet lately, mostly because I've been getting acquainted with Modern Warfare 3, and re-acquainted with Babestation. I've been back in blighty for two weeks and now I'm told I've gotta be back in France on Monday. Fuck a duck.

It's nice to be in a country where I'm not watching my every step for dog shite and romany gypsies. Christmas was nice, was with the family and I got some slippers and a few wifebeaters some I'm loving life. Nothing much happens. Get drunk some nights, spend the next morning regretting it in the sink (or on a train like this morning fml) play a lot of Madden, poon the odd noob on COD, then crack into my Michael Palin box set. Exciting times.

I write this in 2012. Whoop de fucking do. Buy a new calendar. Nothing really changes. All the people that see it as a new start. 3 weeks later and they're back on the fags and the dust has settled on that Max and Paddy fitness DVD. You want to change your live. Move to the North Korea. I'm sure Kim Jong-Un would appreciate a good barber. They say the world's gunna end in 2012, fuck the Mayans, it'll be that obese gook at the forefront of it, riding shotgun with the devil himself.

On the upside Katy Perry's back on the open market.

Insomnia at Christmastime

I get to go home tomorrow, and I cannae fucking wait. Now I know how the guys feel on the last episode of series 1 of Auf Wiedersehen Pet. I haven't been sleeping properly either, doing all nighters, or just being a bit of a nighthawk...hopefully a bit of blighty will straighten me out.


Gunna have to go through Gare du Nord unfortunately, which means a bit of Romany gypo bashing if they start pestering me, I think the Dale Farm treatment will work and they'll soon fuck off. Supposedly there's a Paddy pub near the Eurostar check-in so a few pints of Guinness will balance me out.

Recently, been letting the kids get away with murder. They start drawing naughty things on the board, I'll kinda join in, shortening their stick man's weiner for banter purposes etc. Otherwise it's all quiet on the western front.

Went to Chalons the other week to go clubbing. For legal reasons I cannot fully go into what happened but basically Dave pulled a rather fit frog, I discovered the joys of a French pasty, and the girls got moist watching a Chippendales show. This club, Alegra, was pretty gangbanging, shame it seemed to be full of nippers, awkward dancefloor moments of how old are you, followed up by 'yeah but you look 16 don't ya ;)'.


Can't wait to go home, France is full of foreigners, then there's the annoying foreign assistants that deserve a slap for them taking the high road over using French on Facebook...it's Facebook fuckhead, I don't wanna speak frog on there you beaner! The whole reason Britain colonised the world was so that we wouldn't have to learn how to speak these foreign languages that sound like a jock after 10 pints of Tennents.

Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa to you all, good night and God bless.

Lille with the bitches!

Well, where do I start...I think the best place would be Gare du fucking Nord...in Paris of course! Was there 2 minutes and got hassled twice for change and support of fictional deaf/mute charities by these fucking gypos from Romania. After a while I was getting aggy and just told em I was an eyetie, I don't spit any of that spaghetti shit but what Romanian's gunna know the difference when I talk guinea???

Got pissed off with some bitch on the train, so fucking anal she could have just got off the set with Lex Steel. I was in her seat on a fairly empty carriage...wanker!

Got to Lille, had a few beers and died inside when I saw a video of 90s boyband (frog of course) singing never gunna give you up...still haunts me to this day! Then Jen came so was all good. We went on a erm carousel thing and was funny, lasted a bit too long but was funny seeing Jen mildly scared.

Eventually the rest of the gang turned up (Jade and the Welsh Girl), so we went to some random restaurant, wasn't shite or anything, just a bit random you know. Then we went to some gay bars...cus that's what you do in Lille right! Met the missing bitch Harri there, and I got pissed off with this ponse who believed in the Illuminati and stopped traffic at the lights singing 'who runs the world, girls' fucking eh!

Next day was alright, went to a zoo and saw lots of crazy animals. Then the girls made the best call of the day, they'd leave me in the pub whilst they did some shopping!!! Finally, women with their heads screwed on properly...hallefuckingullah!

Went out to La Plage and mildly drunk, was pimping in there cus I had bare birds under my arm!

The freaks set the bar on fire and started juggling flaming bottles...what weirdos!

Closing time soon after, so I got myself a souvenir of my visit in the form of a pineapple from behind the bar...did it before zee germans get there...

Dunno why I'm doing my best Calvin Harris impression...I fucking hate that jock cunt.


Went to sleep, woke up, went home, got hassled at Gare du Nord just the once asking if i spoke english, a quick "NEIN" sorted her problems out and safely got away thank fuck.

Last day of Movember today, gunna be interesting.

Amster-brain-damaged!

Had a long weekend so was only right that we used this time to go Dambusting! Rented cars, got fucked over by the rental people and ended up in a Fiat 500 (sadly I quite liked it).

Standard road trip up there, driving through Belgium and crawled into clog country around midday. Eventually got to the Dam and to our lovely hotel then decided a beer and spliff was not to be missed.

My Grolsch went down quicker than a local window worker...then we smooked some weed.

About 20mins after the photo was taken, I started to feel like shit. Went to get off my bar stool the quick way by falling to the ground head first. Supposedly my eyes went into the back of my head n whatnot, but my lot are cunts for not seizing the opportunity to take photos whilst I seized on the floor!

Came to a minute later, got to my feet, looked around then drunkenly proclaimed "oh yeah, I'm in Amsterdam innit"...then Tinie Tempah'd!

Woke up with a dutchman frantically rubbing ice over my head and being fed bread like a pigeon on the high street, I plucked up the courage to get up and I managed to put my coat on and go outside for some air.

...I didn't really, got the coat over my shoulders and faceplanted again within two steps!

Turns out it's not a good idea to go and get baked in the Dam on an empty stomach and 90mins sleep. Oh well, you lives and learns.

After a nice 14hr sleep I felt normal again, and my pretty face was fine too. Bumped into my responsable (teacher in charge of me) in the dam, definately wasn't awkward seeing her when you're having a beer on the hotel porch at 11.30am.

Loved life with a couple paddy fry ups and got on the Guinness.

Went to the Heineken brewery, ate some space cake, then went to the sex museum, was pretty cultural I spose.

Got drunk as a skunk, ate fried chicken, sang Rick Astley in bed then passed out.


Nice drive home apart from the speeding tickets for being 30 km/h over the limit, Gendarmerie, you have made yourself another enemy...wankstains.

Onwards to Troyes McClure

Seeing as I'll be drumming my way into the dam next weekend thought I'd have a quiet weekend in Romilly. Found out footy was on in Troyes so that trumped the chinky buffet lunch in Romilly.

Troyes is a weird one to pronounce, started out with the standard Brad Pitt "hi you can hit me anywhere but my heels" Troy. Nope.
Next it was like Trow or some shit...even worse.
Turns out you say it like the number 3 'trois'. Slimey bastards lull you in with their wine, cheese and half-decent women then they drop this shit on you...dunno why I'm still here.

Troyes was good though, much better than that shithole Paris. Footy was good, free tickets for students and Troyes won so was bi-winning I think.

Stayed with Sarah, no homo, and one of her lot was having a wee shindig to celebrate his b'day so we rocked up there and was pretty good. Met a few jerries and they were pretty cool, I started spewing out fritz talk and they were impressed with it...learnt it all from Band of Brothers :P
Someone fell asleep with their shoes on and I showed em a trick or two with a highlighter.

stat counter

Cus I'm so insecure about myself I thought it would be a good idea to put in a stat counter to see how many of you not so lovely people read my filth.

Now fuck off.

No Paris, you're a shithole

Went to Paris the other day...was fucking amazing, it's such a beautiful city and it's full of joy and joyness. I'm lying. Paris is a shithole, looks like they've taken something pretty, like Eva Longoria, and bashed her over the face with a sledgehammer...twice. Yeah it's certainly not the city of love and all that romance crap that I don't feel in this cold heart of mine, imagine a gypsy campsite, then add illegal immigrants...yeah that's Paris.

The upside to my journey was being back together with the gang: Will, Jen and the Welsh Girl.

Couldn't get anything done out there. Not only do these bastards strike for the fun of it, they fucking take days off as and when they like, the equivalent of a Bank Holiday but every fucking week...wait why the fuck am I complaining, I've just started working in a school! As a result we walked a lot, and for the first time in my life, I genuinely felt sorry for Welsh Girl, and I've fucked her shit up on many occasions.

To top off the shitholeyness of Paris, I was on the metro and as we rolled up to one stop this African cripple is sat on the platform, and calm as a coma, whips his weiner out and pisses onto the platform...

...no fucker bats an eyelid to it, it's probably cleaning the city up to be fair. I vow never to return to this place.

Going back to the dam next week so gunna be loving life with that, enjoying all things legal out there, might pop by Anne Frank's place too and have a play on the drumset for a bit ;)

I fucking hate Paris Hilton

She's a cunt, the hotels are cunts and the city is a shithole...and you'll never guess where I've got the pleasure of going to tomorrow, yeah fuckin' Paris.

Buffalo Bill McStay will be hosting me so at least I'll be staying in Little Britain and not some shitty apartment that stinks of garlic and fear of being invaded. I'm not looking forward to the fucking Metro system, full of illegal fucking immigrants, and now I'm a taxpayer in this God foresaken country (cheers laïcité) I can give these ingreats a clip round the ear for their idleness. I'm not the biggest fan of any big city because of the stench of piss, homeless people, and homeless people that stink of piss. It's why I love the dam, I mean there's fuck all hobos on the corner and you can piss in pop-up pissers. 

Whilst I'm on the subject of the dam...I'm going back there again in two weeks. Same places, different faces, third time I'll be rickrollin' there now :P


Weird weekend, a frog dvd player with no remote is about as useful as asking Glen Hoddle to support a charity for the disabled. When Damian Lewis in Band of Brothers starts spewing out this dubbed crap, killing jerries and jabbering away like Fabian Barthez, part of you dies inside. Die Hard does the same cus yippee-ki-yay motherfucker is ruined...cheese-eating surrender monkeys should just wise up on their english and do away with the dubbing, I'll have a word with Sarko if I bump into him on the Metro. 








Finally, well done to the Southampton Stags in their pre-season game vs UWE, keep up the good work gang. 

It's alright now, Mugabe gave me Gaddafi's tenner!

Now I'm one happy man as I got a direct debit from Big Rob in Zimbabwe, think it was like ZIM$100000000000000 but works out at a tenner so all good.

I've been a bit of a busy bunny lately cus we've had half term. Bit of a long one this'll be so tuck the kids in bed and get ya cocoa ready.

Had a standard weekend in Reims, went to the footy, frog shite Reims playing like the Cherries and conceded a soft goal, 1-1 finish. Went out for a few beers fri nite, pretty standard chartered.

Bog-standard standurday of hungover McDonalds and went to a frog club on sat nite. Smoking area looked like where the Nazis did experiments on the Jews and they somehow they keep busy with £9 drinks...they saw us coming at Dover ffs! I thought it'd be a good idea to wear my chunderpants on the dancefloor but no worries, Titus Bramble on the door didn't clock it.

I now realise the frogs aren't half wise on the naughtier words of our great language and I've taken advantage of this like Gary Glitter and the Vietnamese legal system. So when the random frog cunts are saying bye, a casual "Yeah cya later dickhead" never fails...useless wankers.

French lost the rugger world cup final...extended morning glory.

Spent a few days hopping around to Chalons where Big Mike lives, then went to Vitry where Dave the Rave lives. Watched Rocky I-V quicker than you can evict a gang of gypos from Dale Farm when suddenly me and the rave go for a bike ride...meant to be an hour ride or so the map says...33miles and 5 feckin' hours later we arrive in St Dizier, miss the last fucking train home and had to settle on a hotel for the night, no homo.

We only meant to go to the lake and back.


Only garms we had were t-shirt and shorts each, both had helmets so we were safe and whatnot, no hi-vis or lights though so only a keen-eyed carrot muncher could catch us on them dark cuntry roads. Surrounded by Viet Cong we made it to St Dizier, you cudda cut me left nut off and called me Lance Armstrong that night. We were riding for team Caramel...but never again, I'm getting nightmares already from last night and my saddle ass feels like I've got the haemorroids...then again I probably do.

Now I'm back in Romilly...don't expect much outta me for the next week or so.

I fucking hope Gaddafi's not dead...that cunt owes me a tenner!

Me and the Colonel go way back, he didn't have enough money for the 16 bus into town and I lent him a ten sheet, bastard still hasn't paid me back though. Poor bastard got fucked over in an air strike, what a shit way to go, I'd rather go for a long walk on a short plank or fall victim to death by bukkake.

The thing is though, all these 'evil' cunts are getting taken out now: Saddam, Osama, Michael Jackson, and now Gaddafi's dead or dying...he's literally gunna get fucked either way though! Who's gunna replace these mean bastards? I hardly think Vinnie Jones has got the minerals to wipe out one of those shithole 4th world countries, he sounds like a bit of a puff in real life anyways...don't tell him that on the off chance he's hard though!
Kim Jong-Il's next, he seems like a nice enough bloke, doesn't fancy the killing part but he'll indirectly kill his wee slopelings through diverting their food supply, cheeky fucker. McDonald's in Pyongyang would make a fucking killing...beats the one in Romilly, which was burnt down over summer :(

Got half term after this week, cannae wait for a bit of R&R in Reims, there's too many green bananas in school and I'm starting to lose it a bit. Watched a really wank game of footy last night between OM and Arsenal, so hoping the Reims game will be pretty sicko on Friday night, then off to a weekend of beers and finding a strip club where I can vent my frustrations.

Anyways, you dickheads remember my travels to Leclerc last week. Turns out there's only a fuckin' Carrefour like 5mins from me. There's even a chinky buffet there aswell so I'll put them out of business by Christmas/whatever they celebrate.

Managed to cook some English food aswell, beats frogslegs for lunch...uncivilised, dirty frog wankers.

Tasted pretty damn good, laced it with Guinness sauce. Only problem is that their bacon is thinner than Kate Moss, Anne Frank could probably have a cheeky munch and get away with it!

And now I leave you with this thought for the day...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYW6C44zo24&feature=related

Bit of a shocker that Gaddafi bought it though, thought there was a half chance he'd be on the next Celebrity Big Brother.

late night revefuckinglation

don't get your haircut in france, or anywhere in the eurozone for that matter...19 fucking euros it cost me to get scalped. should have genuinely got the flymo out and got ran over with it...would have probably done a better job aswell! thank fuck im not one of those pretty boy cunts that go to some tony n guy place to get a snippet taken off for a 20 sheet...they'd get caught out for a monkey (£500 to all dickheads that don't know shit) in these parts.

Stick it in your ass and then put it in the dishwasher!

Went back to Reims didn't I.

Missed my connection at Paris East station and had to wait for 2 hours. Paris is just like London, full of tourists, full of shite, full of fucking homeless people asking for your money. Managed to demolish a Macdo before dodging more homeless people, then I eventually got to Reims.

Went to the museum of where the German surrender was signed in World War 2. Was pretty good, not much jerry bashing though, just lots of maps and games of musical chairs with dead people.

Had a good laugh at the weekend though, got drunk and proved to the world that I'm pretty good when I'm up on that pole.

I was loving life up there I tells ya. Did a few other things worth mentioning

Watched Wales lose surrounded by the frogs in a Paddy bar. Got mugged off by paying £3 for basically a shot of coffee...cunts! Don't go to France they'll keep ripping you off, most clubs been asking for a tenner on the door...they can jog the fuck on.

Went to a Champagne house. G.H.Mumm it was, home of fancy things and an elaborate set of caves full of champers that could only be made more elaborate by the Viet Cong boys. Had a good time and thought it would be a good idea to penny someone during the tasting...I'm tres sophisticated!

Tinnies in the park were nice, apart from the fucking cunt kids asking for my tinnies. Got pissed after that and ended up working the pole in Wall Street for a bit.

Decided it'd be a grand idea to watch Stepbrothers when I got in, but fell asleep during Shark Week.
Sunday was shit really, went back to Romilly through Paris...which is a shithole by the way, and spent the afternoon watching Dr House in French, which ruins the fun of it all by making Hugh Laurie sound like a paedophile.

Potential english brekky tomorrow, but not getting my hopes up cus I bet they don't even use Heinz baked beans the cheap bastards...or they'll be on strike again!

I want to beat 7 shades of shit out of S-Club 7!

Today was my day off. Had a fucking sweet lie in til gone 1, and decided I'd go for a wonder to the big supermarket on the edge of town. After a period of going all Inspector Gadget cus I thought my iPod had gone Maddy on me, I pulled myself together and found it. Funny how it's always in the last place you look...I hope the person that came up with that phrase died a horrible death.

Google mapped the 4k trek to the supermarket, put on some NWA and was headin' Straight Outta Romilly! After walking past countless rail yards I found El Dorado...

For some reason they were loving all things American, with bare Mustangs on display and Oreo cookies as far as the eye could see. I was lapping it up as the old dears behind the counter had cowboy hats on, and stars and stripes were all over the show. 

As I've said before, I had a bit of a hold ma dick Darren Sharper moment at the weekend due to the lack of a belt...was gagging for Primarni like a single mum on gyro day. Basic leather belts were going for £20 a piece so I settled for an £8 adjustable thing...fuckers saw me coming from a mile off! Can't wait to do laundry tonight, chances are I'll be in kids sized clothes by morning. 

Badminton

Because I am overweight, and starting to become attracted to Adele (who's pretty much Rick Ross tha Boss over here) I decided to play badminton with some of the teachers tonight. It's such a slow game that the fatties can boss it, I was shuttling the shuttlecock and whatnot and suppose I looked pretty good on the court. Try it sometime and if you're female, I suggest wearing loose clothing to distract the opposition!

The frog football team is playing Bosnia tonight, suppose I need some comedy in my life cus they suck balls pretty bad. Day off tomorrow so will be good to explore what's left of Romilly, not a lot by all accounts, maybe a burger van or a mosque but heh ho every hole's a goal.

Return to Reims

Just got back from a nice weekend in Reims. The weather was crap, I didn't have a belt so was having a bit of a hold ma dick Darren Sharper moment, but you can't win em all I spose.

Had a few highlights of the weekend:

Tekkers of the week goes to the teenage girls in McDonalds.
You trust the McBin will open with tray power...but these girls didn't fuck about, one of em jammed her foot in the bin lid whilst the other cooly disposed of her and her mate's Happy Meal.



In English Language Assistant circles, I am now known as "the badger".
Spose you could put this down to a hungover blond moment. Basically at 5am my roomies in the hostel thought it would be a good idea to sleep in the same bed (to keep body head I assume). Not only did their fondling wake me, but prompted me to blame their noise on the empty corridor by calling it a fucking foreigner. I cannae see fuck all from 2yards in the dark without being in 4-eyes mode, and I eat my carrots aswell so when I brought this up the next day I referred to myself as a badger (cus they're obviously blind). So now they call me badger.

Goldman Sachs rule the world.
Cunning linguist and Economist Mike Brooks wouldn't shut the fuck up about this. Whether it be shit chat in the lift or over a bottle of wine at 4am...Goldman Sachs rule the world. It's in Rolling Stone magazine look it up! And let's look it up eh...

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-great-american-bubble-machine-20100405

It's true what they say about the French and striking.
These guys strike all the fucking time. Someone randomly got stabbed on the Paris underground, bad news I know, hold a memorial and whatnot but don't use it as another excuse to strike...the trains seem to run 3 days a week the way they keep going on.

Then it struck closer to home, I went for my din dins tonite and WAHBAM (courtesy of Amy Rogers) the canteen is a ghostown, even the tumbleweed's on strike tonite. Just the one meal, monday dinner crossed off the dinner menu replaced with the word 'GREVE' meaning strike in frog tongue. No wonder there's no French players in Major League Baseball cus they'd strike out every time at the plate!

The story so far...

Seeing as I was dragged into this blogging crap after I arrived in France, thought I'd be a good egg and fill you in on what's happened so far...cue the enthusiastic black narrator.

I am an English Language Assistant in the Reims education authority. 

Here's a rough map for the Geographically challenged.

It's in the Champagne-Ardenne region apparently.

Champagne is that sparkling white wine stuff that women like because it makes them feel sexy and rich.

I like Reims though,

It's got a bang tidy Cathedral:

They have light shows on the weekend which is pretty sicko. The only downside are the Romanian gypsies hanging around the entrance asking you for your hardearned eurocents.

And the football team Stade de Reims isn't half bad either:

...only problem with the fans is that they're mostly shirters. The atmosphere is comparable to the old Arsenal ground aka "Highbury the Library". I'm gunna have to go on record and say the BCE would have a field day here!

I also somehow managed to meet similar folk to me out here, there's like 70 assistants in the region, all managed by two women dubbed Big Chris and the Caramel. Here's a cheeky snap of the gang that I roll with...I've even got a gang name, they call me Badger. Personally I wanted to be called Gator.

These guys are a fun bunch, from a mix of uni's across the UK and sometimes we'll hang out with the yanks aswell. The yanks are alright, I like them cus they sounds funny, and they like me cus I know everything about American Football n shit.

I can't believe you guys made me do this...

I fucking hate people that write blogs. They're generally the most pretentious pieces of cybershite people will ever read, not even worthy of being used to wipe Steven Hawking's arse with. 

My problem is that I'm easy led. Jump. How high? So after many external pressure I have decided to write a blog of my year abroad in France. I would like to use this opportunity to shout out to my old housemates in Soton; Tampon, the Panasaurus Rex, Sooty, Two Sip and the other girl that has since moved into the Hartley Library. 

This blog will be full of the standard crap you read, photos and may even contain things I haven't written because I'm too lazy to think for myself.

So sit back and enjoy the ride. If you don't enjoy the ride, you can simply fuck off.